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I just wanted it to all go away and decided the best way to get it to go was to not talk about anything dealing with Joyie.I also broke up with Brad, which was stupid, but at the time I didn't want anyone else close to me that I might lose. I even pushed Dad and Mom away as far as I could. In short, I became a brat and pushed everyone to their last button.One Saturday morning, three weeks after Joyie's death, I heard rain tapping at the window. My head felt too heavy to be lifted off the pillow; my mouth was dry and sour. I concentrated on not throwing up and then opened my right eye. For the first few seconds I didn't know where I was, but after a momentary panic, my brain connected the desk chair and the window seat with Brad's room.I gone to a party with my cousins the night before and could remember getting drunk for the first time in my life and climbing out the bathroom window to get away from a guy who wanted to have sex with me. He'd been as drunk as I and the escape wasn't. I found out a long time ago when I used to take nude selfies how the smart men know how to disseminate a photo and look beyond what the lady is sending them, what lies around her, electrical wall plugs to determine which country she's in, photos on walls and bedside cabinets, any paraphernalia that will lead them to her for a full on confrontation.This setting up is what excites me, yes watching men masturbate and ejaculate because of me, my presence, my body and my words, yes I like to talk as we play, just as if we were in the same room separated by mere feet, but even more if one, just one, hits the nail on the head and calls me by name, then he has me in his power and I bend to his will and experience the best sex ever, because I am a **** fantasist, I love the power he has as he thrusts into me knowing I have no option or will to say ,'No'.I watched my first porn movie when I was eight and being looked after by an older teenage cousin who was twice my age. I had been put to bed.
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